Lately I've been questioning whether or not I made the right decision in choosing to be a full-time stay-at-home mom. I'm not really sure why I have been feeling this way though. Most likely it has to do with the isolation I have been feeling here in Lompoc. I don't have any other moms to hang out with during the day and I feel like I am dying a slow death. It could also be the tremendous amount of guilt I have over my perceived inadequacy at being the perfect mom. It was recently brought to my attention, in a conversation with a fellow mom, that a study found "working" moms (aren't ALL moms working??) spent more "quality" time with their children than SAHMs. Apparently, the theory is we SAHMs just plunk our kids down in front of the TV all day while "working" moms use time with their children more wisely. The discussion then led to all the activities that are planned daily by her child's daycare provider and that her daughter came home every night with a new craft to present to her mother, in addition to having learned a couple new words or songs to share. Not only that, but daycare provider provides all the necessary daily nutrients in each meal. Now, this mom in no way was telling me this to make me feel badly about my choice to stay home or my child's inability to utter anything other than dadadadadadadada....... However, as a result of this conversation I did start wondering if I was doing enough for Declan so that he will develop on track with other kids his age and whether he will eventually gain the social skills needed to function in society.
Our day together rarely has structure. As soon as Declan gets his morning cup of milk, I plunk him in front of the TV with a banana and honey/peanut butter toast and "Jack's Great Music Show". This gives me my "wakeup" time. I get an hour to have my breakfast, drink some coffee and read the internets. Sometimes he even watches TV for an hour and a 1/2 (The Horrors!). We occasionally try to read a book, but we never get past a couple of pages because Declan can't sit still for any length of time. He'd rather be outside throwing rocks or collecting the beer bottles that have piled up in the recycle bin. Afternoons usually consist of a walk, a trip to the park, errands, perhaps a visit with friends and a nap. It varies from day to day. Lunches rarely include the 4 food groups. Frankly, I am tired of preparing vegetables for a child who will only put them in his mouth, discover that the offensive food may actually be healthy and spit it back out. My child has perpetual diarrhea because the only thing he will eat consistently is fruit. He also refuses to eat real meat. However, he loves processed cheese and Gerber meat sticks (are those even real???). So he gets both in abundance.
I've often worried that I haven't been doing enough for Declan and that maybe he would be better off if an "expert" was able to take care of him during the day while I went back to work to ease the financial burden that one income can carry. I've been told my numerous women that they choose to go back to work because it makes them "better moms" if they aren't in charge 24/7. This, for some insane reason, makes me question if I should be doing the same. Only because I fall far short of what is considered the perfect mother & homemaker.
Last Thursday I had an epiphany. Declan and I drove up the Pismo Beach to check out the town. We ended up spending the day at Pismo State Beach. PSB has close to 4 miles of open beach that you can walk along. We spent the afternoon collecting seashells, playing in the surf, walking along the coastline and enjoying the warm afternoon sun. That's where it hit me that I am doing exactly what I should be doing. I know, in my heart of hearts, that neither Declan or I would thrive if I wasn't his primary caregiver. Declan is not the "structured playtime" type child. I am not the "working mother" type. I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I do not have any career ambitions at this point in my life. And to be honest, I don't think I ever have. I am 33 years old and still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. It's likely I never will either.
Being a SAHM isn't glamourous. We are always broke and rarely do I get the opportunity to get dressed up anymore. My wardrobe looks like it came from the Old Navy clearance rack. Thomas and I could really use a solo vacation to a warm and tropical destination. But these are the sacrifices we agreed on when we chose for me to stay home. The day-to-day drudgeries of raising kids and taking care of a home can be tedious and boring. But there are days, like those at the beach, where everything comes back into focus and you remember why you made the decisions you made and you realize you are on the exact path that was intended for you. And that you don't always have to fit into the mold society has placed on us.
